Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Ketchup is God's man juice
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
