My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
