I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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