I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
