I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
