don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize