i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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