you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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