so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
