The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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