i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
