Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
