I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
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