so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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