only if we run a train.
done.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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