he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
