wanna go halves on a baby?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
