theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
