I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
