I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
