You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
