$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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