you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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