I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i think i just lost a toe
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
