Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
