im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
