I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
