Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My vagina just clenched in fear
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
