I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
