Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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