I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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