well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Acid is not a monday night drug
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
