Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
