When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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