He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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