We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
