She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
