my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
