a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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