why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
