We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
