I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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