I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
