Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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