I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
