Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
