The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
