I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
