The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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