So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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